What if you Don't Want to go to Church Anymore?
This post was originally published in March 2018 on an earlier iteration of my practice blog. I’ll circle back to this topic in a future blog post to reflect the nuances of folks’ church experiences in present times.
Today I was listening to Roy Kim's The Same Boat Podcast episode 12, "This is Us," when one of the guests asked this question outright: "If I don't fit into the church, can I still be a Christian?"
Something about this question pierced my heart.
The guest, Daniel, named this question after he and his wife shared their story of deep suffering and faith deconstruction.
He asked this question not out of flippant disregard for the church, but with a deep longing to connect with God and a sense of grief that conventional church settings were no longer a place where he could safely connect with God and others.
Part of what I feel in reaction to Daniel's question is a sense of grief and sadness at how common Daniel's experience is, and yet how alone he and many others can feel in the midst of it because there is so much shame and stigma surrounding these experiences.
The main hope of this post is to help those who feel out of place at church to feel validated and that they are not alone.
I also hope that we can all be better supporters of our loved ones who may feel they don't fit in at church.
Why Christians Sometimes don't want to go to Church
At face value, it might seem as though nearly all people who identify as Christian would feel like they fit in with a gathering of other Christians at a church. But it's definitely not so simple.
Here are some reasons I've heard for why people feel like they don't "fit in" at church:
Cultural, political, or theological differences between the individual and the church leadership, or the church culture as a whole.
Not having space or a sense of freedom to ask questions about faith or express doubts.
Feeling unsupported in the midst of grief and suffering. (e.g., "Why are you sad? God is good!")
Not being able to sing along with worship songs filled with joyful platitudes that don't seem or feel true for the individual.
Being rejected by church leadership or peers due to LGBTQ+ identity or for making choices that are viewed as "un-Christlike"
Confidentiality is not respected by church leaders.
Mismatched moral systems (e.g., views of women, abortion, etc.).
Just about anything could be a reason for someone to feel like they don't fit in. Churches are gatherings of humans, and those humans go through the same kinds of experiences as any other circle.
And just like anywhere else where people are gathered, there is division and unhealth.
It only makes sense then that at least some people, sometimes, don’t want to go to church.
Why avoiding church can seem like a big deal
The problem is that often there's an implicit message that you're supposed to feel like you fit into this group. Because, somehow, this group is different than other groups. This group is safer, healthier, more loving, more supportive - you name it, this group is better at all those things than other groups.
And sometimes there’s also a belief that everyone in this group ought to hold the same beliefs and feelings as everyone else in the group.
What an ostracizing and dangerous message. It communicates that anyone who feels out of place must not belong for some inherent reason and that it doesn’t have anything to do with the church itself or the people in it.
Not going to church can lead to fallout
Sometimes peers will wonder if an individual who is avoiding church is truly a Christian. Or whether they are "wandering" in their faith.
These assumptions imply there is something wrong with the individual who is avoiding church, making it even more difficult for that person to feel like they belong. As a result, they may feel ostracized, angry, or ashamed and pull away even more.
How can churches respond?
In my opinion, the healthiest churches can acknowledge that they are no better than any other group of humans. Humans make mistakes, so why would any church be above that?
If you know someone who has pulled away from church, I encourage you to consider how you respond to them:
Are you uncomfortable with their experience?
Do you try to convince them to return to church?
Do you get defensive about your church’s intentions and try to explain things to them?
Do you give them the side-eye and secretly judge them?
Instead, ask yourself what this person might need to help them feel included - not for the end goal of having them come to church, but with the intent to help them feel validated in their experience and that they are not alone.
Try to understand the perspective of someone who doesn’t want to go to church
Sometimes, there is genuinely a mismatch. This individual may have grown or changed or the church may have changed. The shoe just might not fit anymore.
Even if it were possible for a church to do "all the right things," people can still feel as though they don't belong. Church can be triggering for those who have had negative experiences around the church in the past.
Some people aren't wired to thrive in larger groups of people, or within the fairly limited formats that Western Christian churches tend to operate.
If someone feels like they don't fit in, it's important they know they haven't done anything wrong. It's healthiest to allow others the freedom to be in a group where they feel they do belong, even if it's at another church or not at church at all.
Everyone is free to stay or leave the church
I don't say all this to bash church. Church is a wonderful gift. I'm grateful for the freedom of religion, that we are welcome to freely gather and express ourselves as we wish.
And yet, it's important to make clear that not all people will fit into the same gathering, and not all Christians will feel like they fit into a church. Some people who don't identify as Christian will feel as though they do fit in at church. And all of that is okay and good.
What to do if you don’t want to go to Church Anymore
If you feel as though you don't fit in at your church or that you don’t want to go to church, know you are not alone. There are others who feel similarly and certainly many more who aren't attending church at all.
Even if you choose to continue attending a church you don't quite fit into, it's important to find some people you feel you belong with, who "get you," and who support you.
If you can't find any of those people at church, it's healthy to start looking for them somewhere else.
As always, I’d like to be clear that this blog post isn’t intended as professional counseling or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional to be evaluated.
You are also welcome to explore my faith deconstruction counseling services or contact me to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward.
